|Re:more on finding the core||
I wanted to expand upon my last video of finding the core, which I may edit and add into the end of the video and/or make a new follow up video, because this is a very important aspect of that.
I wanted to explain further how very painful finding this last part was. On one hand, this is very good from a therapeutic sense...to finally get to this innermost protected part...where the original split occurred. But on a personal, emotional level...it was devastating. Because...this part...it was the core of the dissociation, which is basically self deception. And so to bring it out of hiding means....well, there is nowhere more to hide (from all the trauma and my past).And, it hurts...to the core.
I was a baby who was raped, tortured and prostituted and that is so wrong on so many levels... But it really happened to me. But I was rejecting it....which doesn't make sense, to reject something that actually already happened...but because of the pain and the magnitude of this, I was rejecting what had already happened to me. And so...that small part that was protected by the walls inside this tiny bubble...I needed that. I wanted that. Because I so desperately wanted to BE that. I wanted to be a pure, innocent, beautiful untouched baby...not the ugly, defiled, dirty, raped and prostituted baby that I was.
So for my whole life, I held onto that lie...that imaginary clean undefiled perfect little innocent untouched baby...and when things would get too much, I would seek refuge there...in that dissociative place where none of this really happened...and I got to be very good at that...acting "normal" like nothing ever happened...but that wasn't real.
When I got to this core split...the place where it all began...and I realized that this clean, untouched, perfect, innocent little baby was a lie...I was devastated. Because that was my hope that kept me alive...that kept me going. But it was a lie. The only thing that kept me alive...was a lie.
That's why I thought that finding this out was going to kill me. Because if that pure innocent baby was a lie. Then it meant that I was only the other side...the dirty, defiled prostituted baby. And I couldn't live with that. And I struggled very much with that. But a gifted therapist helped me to realize, that both were an illusion.
I had been rejecting the dirty prostituted baby so much and attaching too much to the innocent pure baby...and in doing so, being imprisoned and defined by these two opposite extremes and allowing my desire to be one and rejection of the other to control me. I wanted so much, to be that innocent baby, and only that innocent baby...even if it was a lie. And I so desperately didn't want to be the defiled prostituted baby. And in doing so, I was allowing these extremes to control me.
But if I allow them both in at the same time, but do not attach nor reject either extreme, then I am both and neither at the same time. I am in the middle.
This is acceptance...zero point...the zone...in the flow...where nothing on the outside is controlling me but sitting in the center of myself and observing it. It's like at exactly twelve o'clock noon. Is that morning? Or afternoon? It's kind of both, but really neither. When we allow in both at the same time and allow them to touch, they kind of melt away or meld into this new thing that isn't either one but this new third thing.
Like when water touches heat (fire) and turns into steam/vapor...it isn't fire, nor water anymore when they come together, but becomes something else which is not the same as those two things when they were extremely split apart and separate. Anyway, it can be difficult to reach this center point... where acceptance is found, but it is possible and I wanted to share this part of the journey as well, because it is an important part of healing from any type of pain in one's past.
We Are Many Lights